I think it’s funny how you can remember exactly what somebody was to you.. and how much that can weigh on your development in.. life. Yet how in that someone’s perspective it could have way less meaning. The big and little moments you spent together, the small little things that someone taught you, the foods you tried for the first time with him. The way the city made you feel when you walked it together.
Those take a bigger toll on someone because they truly fuck with your senses. Every time you deviate from the ordinary, and remember something you did during something remotely related to a shared moment, it’s simply a memory.
I think I live in my memories. It’s a flaw of some truly emotional people. I used to sit down for hours composing paragraphs with the words I feel intricately woven together in “journal” posts for myself to one day read over and remember how I felt when I was overcome by joy, fear, heartbreak.. whatever it was.
and then something shitty after something shitty would happen and I’d be ashamed of my feelings so I stopped. I probably write more now about how I never write anymore instead of actually writing something significant..
But my most recent realization is that I live in my memories. I observe and absorb a lot during intimate moments and in the end it’s my downfall becos I can constantly play the spool of film over and over in my head and relive the meaningfulness of each moment— even after the moment is gone.
And being able to understand that some things, some moments, and more importantly— some people can be meaningful without actually still being a major part of your immediate life is something not everyone can detach from the emotional and senses of their memories, but I think that’s where I am. I think I mastered that.
But I feel misunderstood in the sense that becos I appreciate and identify the meaningfulness in my memories, that those somebodies who were once my “someone”.. interpret my love for them as fascination, obsession and “something that it’s not.”
If there are two things that I’ve learned and carry with me always it’s to never let someone belittle the love or genuity you have to give or crush it just becos they won’t accept it or can’t return it. and just becos someone else didn’t take away the same message, memory or lessons from a moment doesn’t belittle what it meant to you.
I’ve become less in tune with my emotions the past year and a half. Also less in tune with my spirituality. When better time than now to change that?
Who wore it better, 23rd birthday edition! Left: Kendall Jenner/ Right: Michelle Tracey :)I don’t plan this sht! Haha
I’m not a tough person. I don’t fight, I don’t enjoy arguments. I never intend to hurt, to spite, or to avenge. But if I use the word fuck next to the word you, or in a phrase such as “holla if you got me, fuck you if you had me,” you should know I’m referring to a bit of pain inflicted that has made an extra layer of skin coat my tender bones and soul. I’m unashamed.. I’m glad to not always be so delicate.